This time, a real letter

Mostly you know me as a dad who likes sports.  But today, I’m sharing with you another piece of me.  You see, for as long as I remember, I’ve taken company screw-ups personally.  When I was a freshman in college I spent 20 cumulative hours on the phone with a now defunct phone company because they overcharged me by 50 bucks.  I’ve spent more time on the phone with Cox Cable in the past year than I have with anyone besides my wife and kids.  I take it personally.

"Ok, sir, now, um, do you have any Vaseline or KY Jelly available? Because, to be honest, we're really gonna fuck you this time."

The thing that continues to baffle me is that companies don’t seem to really understand that if you treat customers really well and make them happy then…wait for it…wait for it…wait…wait…they want to keep buying your shit.  Crazy, crazy concept, I know.  Can I now accept my MBA from somewhere, please?

Below is a letter that I just mailed and emailed to Dirt Devil, the newest proud member of the “Fucking Phil Over Because We Don’t Understand Customer Service and Would Rather Save $20 Today Than Lockdown a Customer for 20 Years” club.  I’m thrilled to share this adventure with you.  Enjoy reading and rest assured that I will share every bit of correspondence from Dirt Devil with you.

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Deb Kerner

Customer Service Supervisor

Royal Manufacturing Company

7005 Cochran Rd.

Glen Willow, OH 44139

March 25, 2011

Dear Deb Kerner,

It is with great annoyance and frustration that I write to you about my recent experiences with a Dirt Devil order (order number WDD2D39380365, confirmation number 4518127) and many contacts/attempted contacts with Dirt Devil customer service.

Below is a sequential explanation of my experiences with Dirt Devil:

1. On March 1, 2011, I placed an order online for four mop heads for our Dirt Devil steam mop (model number K09K).  While I cringed at paying upwards of $50 for four mop heads, I must admit, a steaming mop is pretty cool and very effective.
2. By March 18, 2011, the mop heads hadn’t arrived and I hadn’t received any communication from Dirt Devil.  So, on March 18, 2011, I called Dirt Devil customer service (1-800-321-1134).  I was on hold for over 15 minutes, so I hung up.  You know, because I have other things to do than wait on hold, regardless of the assurance from the friendly automated lady that my call was important.
3. On March 20, 2011, I contacted Dirt Devil electronically through the online contact portal (https://www.dirtdevil.com/contact.aspx).  I requested to actually receive my mop heads as well as to have the total order cost of $52.75 cut in half, with the credit going back to my credit card.  I never received a response to this inquiry.
4. On March 23, 2011, I contacted Dirt Devil customer service.  I was told that the mop heads were on back order and they wouldn’t ship until April 29, 2011.  I asked to speak with someone in the corporate office.  I was transferred to corporate, where I spoke with a woman who told me the mop heads would ship on March 28, 2011, but she couldn’t authorize a 50% credit on my order.  I asked her to speak with someone who did have that authority and she transferred me to a voicemail.  The man’s voice on the voicemail was unintelligible.  I left a message explaining the problem and asked for a return call.  I never heard back.
5. On March 24, 2011, while using my Dirt Devil mop, the plastic handle snapped.  I looked around for the Candid Camera cameras to pop up and for everyone to start laughing but, alas, that didn’t happen.
6. On March 25, 2011, I made five phone calls into the Dirt Devil customer service line.  Every time I requested to be transferred to the corporate office.  At the corporate office, I explained my situation to a man who listened and then offered me free shipping on my mop head order.  As you might imagine, I turned that offer down.  To his credit, he did offer to send me a free replacement mop for my now broken mop.  I asked to speak with someone who could authorize a 50% credit on my order.  He transferred me to voicemail of a woman named Lisa.  Unfortunately, Lisa’s voicemail was full and I couldn’t leave her a voicemail.  I called back and upon reaching the same man, he immediately transferred me back to Lisa’s full voicemail before I could get a word into him that her voicemail was full and, therefore, ineffective for resolving the issue.  I called back again and was finally transferred to your voicemail.  I left a message telling you I had a problem with my mop head order and asking for you to return my call early next week (the week of March 28, 2011).

Obviously, this has been an extremely frustrating customer service experience, to say the least.  At this point, in order to rectify Dirt Devil’s lapses in product availability as well as customer service (and to restore good faith in the company), I’m requesting to have this entire mop head order for free (in addition to actually receiving the free mop to replace my broken one).

In more informal words, here’s the deal:  I’m 29 years old with two kids.  We’re planning on having more kids.  Kids are messy.  They throw food.  They drop things.  They draw in places they’re not supposed to.  And, to boot, I really like to have a clean house.  You know what that means?  I have years and years of mopping ahead of me.  In the next twenty years, at an average of one hour per week, I’ll spend 1040 hours mopping.  That’s over 43 days of mopping.  But I have a mop with a broken handle and four new mop heads that aren’t here.  And, I’d really like to stay a Dirt Devil customer.  I like the mops.  They work.

The bad news is that you guys have screwed up tremendously in your customer service.  Nothing personal.  My suspicion is that it’s a systematic problem.  Regardless of the source of the problem, it’s egregious to make speaking with a customer service supervisor so difficult.

The good news is that you have a great opportunity to effectively remedy the problem.  And you can do it in front of an audience, to boot!  You see, I’ll be sharing the contents of this letter, as well as every future correspondence with Dirt Devil, on my exciting internet-sharing site (some people call it a blog).  You can visit it at www.desertdad.wordpress.com.  I like to link my internet-sharing site to both my own Facebook account as well as my wife’s to optimize viewership.

So again, to summarize:  I like the Dirt Devil product.  I don’t like Dirt Devil’s customer service.  I am requesting a free new mop (which sounds like it’s already in the works) and the four mop heads I ordered online on March 1, 2011 for free as well (please credit the entire cost of $52.75 to my credit card you have on file).  I am optimistic that you can accommodate this request and that I can continue to be a Dirt Devil customer for as long as there is crap (literally and figuratively) on my floor.

I will send this letter to you both in the mail as well as to your email account.  I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Philipp Miller