No More “I Love You”s

“Daddy, I don’t love you anymore.”

The above quote came out of Adayah’s mouth after which of the following occurrences?

1. In 2014, I left Adayah playing alone with a table saw and a bottle of Clorox because there was a meaningless football game on that had fantasy football implications.
2. In 2022, I punched Adayah’s boyfriend out when I met him because he incorrectly conjugated the verb “to be”.
3. In 2011, I helped Adayah wipe her own butt because she can’t do it yet.

Congratulations if you picked “3”, you’re right!  What better way to say thanks to the guy who provided her with half of her DNA than by expressing her lack of love?  Thanks sweetie, you make me want to cry.

"Daddy, thanks for the lollipop. I loved you for six seconds. Now I'm back to not loving you again. Chump."

Perhaps there’s some back-story that you should know.  A few days before a three year-old ruined my life, Sonya and I left the girls with her parents for two nights so we could go to the Matt Siegel Challenge’s namesake’s wedding.  We figured it would be better if we got a couple nights to each other and if the girls got a couple nights to hang with the grandparents.  It was the first time both of us were away from Adayah at the same time.  We worried and worried.  What if she misses us and is crying?  What if she’s scared?  What if she snuck off and is making a gravity bong out of the bathtub?  And, like most parents’ fears, we were being irrational.  Adayah was fine.

When we returned from the wedding, Adayah greeted us both with a big hug.  I got greedy and went in for seconds, upon which she promptly gave me a forearm shiver and said, “No, Daddy!”  I’ve spent the past week like a spurned lover, searching for moments of snuggling or affection but mostly receiving punches to the face and statements like, “No kisses, Daddy!” or “Daddy go away!” or even “Daddy fuck off you shitbag!” (just kidding).  To make matters worse, I’ve had to watch Adayah get extra affectionate with Sonya.  I get punched in the face, Sonya gets a kiss.  I get told off, Sonya gets a hug.  My theory is that Adayah is punishing me for us going away (though I’m not sure why she isn’t punishing Sonya).  That, or she really doesn’t love me anymore.

This loving moment brought to you by children who stopped loving their parents.

What’s really sad is that I’ve found myself playing mind games with a person who can’t even make the “th” sound.  I go for a hug, get rejected, and then spend the next two hours plotting ways to make Adayah want a hug.  I’ve tried pity (“Oh, Daddy is sad, he needs a hug.”), guilt (“Now you made Daddy feel sad and he needs a hug, that’s terrible.”), pleading (“Oh, come on, please just give me a hug.  Please.”), and even reverse psychology (“That’s ok, I didn’t want a hug anyways.  I can fulfill my parenting affection desires from the internet just fine without you.”).  None of it has worked.  Sometimes I’ll bribe Adayah with food (“You want your gummy vitamins?  It’ll cost you a hug.”), though this even makes me, a person with relatively low moral standards, uncomfortable.  After all, I don’t want Adayah putting out when she’s 15 because she just wants a cheeseburger.

The official sponsor of three year-olds who hurt their dad's feelings.

There’s something terribly pathetic about a thirty year-old playing mind games with a three year-old and losing.  It’s frustrating losing, so sometimes I’ll just abort the psychology tack and pin Adayah down and hug her.  That usually ends with Adayah screaming and trying to punch me.  Also a losing endeavor.  The question, then, is what is the winning endeavor?  How do I convince Adayah to love me again?  How can I coax the sweet kid statements like, “Daddy, I love you so much” out of her instead of the hurtful ones I already mentioned?  How do I explain to a kid who still can’t really brush her own teeth that even though we abandoned her for two nights to drink Grey Goose in the woods with our friends that we do, in fact, still really love her and it’s not necessary to punish me anymore?

Since returning from the wedding, there has been a very slow détente between Adayah and I.   In all fairness to my little sociopath, she only told me she stopped loving me once.  And she has been generous enough to throw me a hug or kiss once in a while.  Perhaps Sonya’s right that she’s “just going through a phase” or “needs a little space” (which, if you’ve ever been a teenage boy, really means that somebody stopped liking you and you’re about to get dumped, so that doesn’t exactly make me feel much better).  Regardless, three feels just a tad too young to be going through this with my kid, even if it’s just a phase or even if Adayah is incapable of understanding the impact of her words.

Unfortunately, Sonya and I are leaving Adayah in a few weeks to go to another wedding.  I’m bracing myself for the emotional fallout.  And if you’re one of the people whose wedding I went to/am going to, your gift is that I sacrificed the love of my child for you.  You’re welcome.